Tea

This purports to be a fresh cup of tea presented to me by a colleague. Firstly, and most importantly, it's half full. Secondly, the mug is dirty from my 9am cup of tea. I always wash the mug for a fresh cup. She does not. Ever. I am trying not to smash her.

Sightseers

You can find my review of Sightseers here. Go see it. It's brilliant. 

Crap In My Handbag

Generally my handbag is pretty full of masses of crap. To try and combat this I bought a smaller handbag...which means I make the receipts even smaller.

This exercise started off as me trying to get rid of stuff out of it to make it lighter. It ultimately became an exercise of rejoicing in having nice stuff but not paying full price for any of it.

From top left, clockwise

iPad 2 - This was free. It may also have to be returned to its sort of rightful owner at some point in the future. I use it so much I will almost certainly replace it. I have a subscription to the Guardian, Observer and The Times on there as well as some random Nylon magazines which are SO much cheaper to buy on Newsstand. I also have the Kindle and iBooks app on there which means I get to read a lot more than I used to.

Smythson Mara iPad Cover - This was £100.00 on eBay (purchased from Pearl Lowe, no less). It was £325.00 new. It was listed as hardly used. Pearl lied. She knocked an extra twenty quid off of it when it arrived (and I complained as Lammers told me I should. She is wise).

Paris Time Out Guide - For my trip for my 30th bankrolled by MonsieurB. Merci, merci, petit pois. 

Viktor & Rolf Flowerbomb - Duty free. I only buy perfume duty free. Which is how I managed to somehow pick up Tom Ford for £70.00 as opposed to £100.00 last month. I like to smell nice. 

Cork - Celebratory 'I got a new job' cork. It is total shit to anyone else apart from me. Which means I will keep it forever until someone (probably Carrington) unwittingly throws it out because they don't understand the sentimental value. 

Various make up - purchased duty free or with vouchers/advantage points from purchasing boring things like Dove roll on and that. 

Sunglasses - I paid full price for them. It is the best £250.00 I've ever dropped. No one wants crepey eyes by the time they're  35.

Mulberry - £200.00 from Bicester as opposed to £1100.00. You can't cuss a leather, British made bag for about the same as a Topshop Premium priced leather bag. Plus you get a warranty. For a bag!

Paris House Purse - Coveted this for years. Literally. Got it for £20.00 as opposed to £95.00. It has an illustration of an anatomically correct heart on it. For this reason, I love it. So much I bought two for when it inevitably dies. 

Lucy in Disguise Key Ring - Massive key ring that was reduced to a fiver when they moved from Covent Garden to Soho. I love their branding. 

American Apparel Nail Polish - Free via an email promotion. I am such a bad gf I sent MonsieurB to get them from Carnaby and Oxford Street. I intended to get one from Kings X. Instead, I went out after work and got disgustingly drunk. 

Whistles Leather Make Up Bag - If I told you how I got this I'd have to kill you (or tell you in real life). 

The November Issue

So it's been awhile but don't worry, I'm not going to go in to a Staind (sic) song to celebrate my return to blogging. 

I've not really been totally off radar as I've been writing for Directors Notes but I have neglected this blog. This is mainly due to work but I now have a shiny, new job in Angel which is equal parts exciting and fucking scary. However, I feel like I've turned a corner and the end is in sight of my current Hellish commute and I'm more inclined to start blogging again. 

I won't lie. I didn't realise how much I wanted this job until the interview process (and it WAS a process) started. And when I got to the end and was offered the job the relief was palpable. I saw the above in Liberty a week before my first interview and exam. I said to MonsieurB that if I succeeded I'd treat myself. It's a beautiful necklace from Pyrrha which is made of reclaimed silver and an old Victorian seal which says, "I'm Quite Unhinged", with a picture of a garden gate off of one of its hinges. It really resonated with me. Because I am batshit fucking crazy. And here it is. Around my neck. Lovely. 

So Tropical

How can you not love my tropical surroundings (work toilet). New Tatty Devine. Have coveted for months. It is mine. Precious. Etc.

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Blue Steel

Find about shorts I like here. I'm off to perfect my Blue Steel. 

So we went to Tanks at the Tate on Sunday. Even though MonsieurB has the internal compass of a polar bear gone wrong in his mind tank and ending up in Mexico we some how ended up in the right place (through the front door - what a surprise - NOT through a secret trap door in the pavement which was how it was initially sold). 

Whilst I'm happy I went I have to admit I found them cold and a bit oppressive and was on the verge of freaking out in Lis Rhodes' room. Although once I had found my bearings (it's really, really dark in there) I quite enjoyed it. As the photograph will attest to. I'm the massive one without the umbrella.

Then we went in to a room where interpretive dancers were rehearsing. And it was all going quite well. Until I looked at one of the dancers and he looked EXACTLY like Senor Chang from Community. Imagine Senor Chang in tracksuit bottoms and a do-rag dancing interpretively to classical music and I DEFY you not to fall about laughing. And snort in an uncouth manner. Which is what I did for 30 seconds until I had to leave because it was all too much.

Don't say I'm not cultured. 

Crotch Shot

Don't ask why I was watching this because the answer will be, "Union Jack research". No I don't know why I decided to seek out Union Jack based clothing either. 

More to the point - HOW MANY crotch shots of young girls can there be in 4 minutes and 20 seconds? Enough for me to stop looking at Union Jacks and go, "Hang on a minute. There's a few too many crotch shots in here for my liking". 

Although it's nice to see they saved the best until last. Sporty gets no love (presumably because she has clothes on) until the end. Then her vagina is almost like a religious experience with all that light and whatnot. 

Knickers

I absolutely do not need any more bras. Well, I sort of do as the girls have shrunk. But it's not dire straits. And really most women wear the wrong bra size where as what bras I *do* have that fit are really, really good (To the point where MonsieurB once commented, "Your tits are not that big. Those fucking bras are contravening the Misrepresentation Act").

And yet when the 'Final Reductions' email comes through I hurried to buy another bra as it was only £30. THIRTY QUID. And then wrote myself a note that can be put in with your delivery (I assume from a star crossed lover). It said, "You deserve this support". Then I cackled at my brilliantness. Then I hit x and closed the window and said goodbye to my support. Saving is hard sometimes. 

Mykonos

Today I looked like poo at work

but a girl told me I always looked nice. Instead of accepting the compliment I shouted, "YOU LIE!". I guess 05:30 starts are par for the course for her as she has a baby. I, on the other hand, do not. 

You know when you eat something you don't like? And you know as soon as you eat it not only do you not like it because it tastes ranks but you also hate it because your tummy immediately starts to protest? That happened to me today. With Gargonzola. It's rank. My stomach confirms it's rank. I'm off to bed to moan quietly. Oh. My. Days.

(On the upside - I got magnetic gels today. They are actually amazing)

Neglect

I have been neglectful and I am sorry. But not sorry enough to do a decent post. To come:

Sundance
1000 Yard Divorce Stares
Gin to Win
Curly Hair/Straight Fringe

March

March went something like this: 

And then I got sick. But I'm fine now. April will bring more fun - guaranteed. Kisses. 

J'aime beaucoup

It says:

One is not born a woman 

one becomes one

Game Face

So it's my birthday soon so I'm practising my 'Game Face'. It goes,

*shock* *wonder* *excitement* 

and then

"Oh my God how did you I know that this is what I wanted given that I emailed you with the subject 'If I don't get this for my birthday I'll never speak to you again' just last week"

Game face. 

Ranty Email Alert

As you're all probably aware I have a bit of an obsession with Tatty Devine [please see previous posts outlining said obsession throughout the time of this blog]. The above photo is taken from their blog. Yes. That's right. It's their dinosaur necklace beside a Claire's rip off. It's pretty blatant (and there are a plethora which can be found on the Tatty blog). 

As much as I can I try to support independent shops/cafés/designers. Mainly because if we don't support them then they go out of business and then when we bemoan the lack of new and exciting ideas ro nice places to hang out and so on and so forth. It's a vicious cycle. And I know that really there are no new ideas, just recycling of old ones. And that people will always draw inspiration from others and interpret it in different ways (Picasso to Matisse and Bacon) but this isn't inspiration. Nor is it reinterpretation. It's just a blatant rip off. 

So I wrote the below email. 

Subject: I'm not angry, just disappointed. Very disappointed. 

Oh Claires. Once upon a time my best friend worked in your Brighton store. We'd go on a Saturday and visit her perusing your wares that were generally earrings made of feathers and pirate themed wrist bands. She had to pierce ears whilst she worked there. The first pair she pierced were mine as she was too scared for a random stranger to be her first pair of pierced ears. It was a beautiful moment for all concerned. Except her manager. She was afraid I'd end up lopsided. 

And then she left. And we grew up, no longer to cross the threshold of your shop of neon nightmares and glitter explosion make up for pre teens. 

And that is pretty much the way it has stayed. Unless I'm going to the roller disco in Vauxhall and need an 80s look quickly and cheaply whilst being acutely aware that if I come too close to a naked flame I'm likely to go up in a blaze of glory. 

I'd like to say my taste could now be described as 'refined quirk'. Yes. I expect you know where this is going. Social media has had a little melt down this evening with your 'homage' to Tatty Devine. I say homage. I think you're aware it's blatant plagiarism and you've done it before. In fact, it's copyright infringement. I would advise all the designers (and there are many as I understand it) you rip off to club together and obtain a group litigation order against you for such infringement. 

It's pretty distasteful. In fact, it's outright wrong. I'm not going to get in to how they're cheap imitations and that's exactly what they look like. You know that as well as I do. 

All I'll say is that it is morally corrupt and I very much doubt anyone in your head office or stores wears this tat. Which is the polar opposite of Tatty Devine. All of their staff wear their jewellery in all their stores with pride. And the staff at Tate Modern wear their limited edition pieces for them. But I guess you've never heard of Tate Modern owing to the fact that you're an idea and culture vacuum. 

Please withdraw them. You look quite the dickheads.

(And when my subject says I'm not angry, I'm lying. I am quite angry. And disappointed)

Regards,

Subs

I'm sure it won't make an iota of difference. But it made me feel better. And at least I can say I tried, instead of moaning about what arseholes they are but doing nothing about it. 

Now excuse me. I'm off to dig out as much Tatty as I can put on in one go to wear to work tomorrow. 

Tim Walker

If you had to ask me who my favourite photographer was I'd have to say Tim Walker. Whilst I like the acid colours and lurid style of David LaChapelle I rather it when it's moving (syringes that do the can can just can't have bad drugs in them). 

My favourite Tim Walker photos are the ones based on Roald Dahl's work. They have Tim Burton, Helena Bonham Carter and everyone's favourite ginger Karen Elson. What's not to love? 

And now I find that the Pictures book has finally come to below £50 on Amazon. My mind is made up - it's Amazon vouchers all the way for my upcoming anniversaire. 

Rumination

Why is Gwen Stefani and a random baby advertising solar panels?

Also: I like this website. I already have a most beautiful necklace (which I wear as a bracelet) that is lovely and personalised and too much of something can be a bad thing. But it's pretty all the same. 

Spring

The top picture is what Spring is meant to look like. The bottom picture is the current reality. 

But I've still spent the last 3ish weeks Spring cleaning my room. This has taken the form of ruthlessly throwing things away that I don't need or can't ebay. This includes stacks of Elle and Vogues dating from circa 2006. No. I know. I can't believe I'd hoard that much either. But I have. Before I chucked them though I went through them ripping out all the pages I thought were pretty and putting them in a folder. I now have a lever arch file of crap. But lovely crap. 

I have yet to bring myself to chuck the i-Ds. Lula is not going. Neither is Love. Lula will never go. Love might. 

I am also putting up on ebay anything vaguely sellable. If it doesn't go then I'm donating it to charity. 

And with the advent of Spring BabyBelle makes an appearance. But he's no longer BabyBelle. He has a name. It is Emin Belle. I am so excited to meet him. 

Rawr

I totally own this jumper. For nine pounds as well! Nine. Pounds. Go. Me. 

Balloons

I am sort of obsessed with balloons. [Please see to right and left]. When I allowed Carrie and Lams to sort out the shindig we had in September my one instruction was, "Shitloads of balloons". Which was followed. 

I have clothes with pictures of hot air balloons on. But the idea of actually going in one terrifies me. Perhaps I read Enduring Love when I was too young. Or I suspect with age I have come to fear it more [I'm getting worse with heights as time passes. If I don't think about it it's not too bad. If I do it's terrible]. But one day, if a hot air balloon that looks like a strawberry is in the vicinity then I may relent. 

I like this. I inexplicably have the Gotye album on my desktop. I'm not sure how it made it's way there. I must be cutting edge downloading in the night months in advance and then forgetting about it. I'm so cutting edge. And cool. 

Can I be as fit as....

Emma Stone please? How much do I love jewel colours - in particular emerald green? A. Lot. How much do I love this Jason Wu dress? A. Lot. Lot.

Or Elizabeth Olsen (I have also always loved her older, twin sisters. Even when Mary Kate was poorly)? I heart this Miu Miu lightning bolt dress. So much. Luckily I have a lightning bolt dress that MonsieurB purchased for my birthday. So I really don't need it. Which is good. Because I have circa £1k to drop on an extremely beautiful dress.

My obsession with EO has spiked dramatically since watching Martha Macey May Marlene. It's an excellent film which tells the story of a girl who runs away from a cult and finds her sister. Problem is, the cult has completely fucked her up. Her spiralling paranoia makes you question whether her fear is justified or if she's just a head case. I implore you to watch it. You won't be sorry (and if she is sl for best actress at the Oscars I am putting a punt on it. For sure). 

My own private swamp...

I don't know about you but when looking for an abode the first thing on my list is swamp. They're just so versatile. And a talking point. Thank God for this beaut in Kentish Town. It's what home based dreams are made of. 

I'm a fucking lady

I've always said how much of a lady I am. And now Tatty Devine can allow me the opportunity to say so via the medium of necklace. They have a lovely station set up in Selfridges that I fully intend to check out whilst it's there. Alas, funds deny me the pleasure of buying this beaut but then you can make them then and there at Selfridges so maybe I'll just go nuts when I'm there. And have it made massive. Nice. 

Hair Woe

Basically I want to have hair like this:

But i do not. I have scraggly arse orangey hair that looks wrong unless I'm constantly schoozing it up and then I just look vain. 

In an attempt to combat this I have ordered Fudge Paintbox Goldfinger. I figure if it goes drastically wrong I can wash it out. Or dye it red as opposed to orange. I may do this on a Saturday giving me a one day before work buffer of trying to sort it out. Hoom. 

Dunk

I saw these a while ago on WeHeartIt.com. Ever since, I have been scouring the internet looking for them in what I feared to be a fruitless mission. And then serendipity plays her hand and whilst I'm browsing a blog they appear in the side bar telling me I should buy them. It's like it knew. 

Of course, I didn't buy them. They're going on The List of things for my birthday that will eventually be used in the imaginary house. Hopefully the imaginary house will become a reality this year. Well. It will do so. Because if it doesn't I'll go even more insane than I currently am. I wouldn't even mind having a wreck of an imaginary house and it taking a year to do up. Because then at least there'd be light at the end of the wrecked tunnel. But I digress. 

Christmas, new year, blah blah. It was textbook and nice to not have to get out of bed at 05:50 five mornings a week. But now I am getting out of bed at 05:50 every morning. So what do you do on your first day back to work from Christmas holiday? Spend around 2 hours looking at holidays and emailing people with the exact words:

Where is hot, good and cheap in Feb/March?

(As a total aside, I have been unbelievably irked by people wishing me a happy new year at work and clients doing the same. It's an empty pleasantry and really, is it a happy new year? As far as I can make out this is the year Cameron is going to squeeze families [as heard on the radio from his new year speech - I imagine a researcher's head will roll for that] and we're all basically going to die. So no, it's not a happy new year. Hand over your left over Quality Street and keep moving please fellow work colleague)