Jennifer Connelly - Je t'adore

If I wake up in the morning and the, "Mlle B you've not been to work in 2 days and you have used your time wisely by putting shit up on ebay and making all sorts of wonderfulness from scratch for your family [FYI Burgers, cupcakes, meatballs & pasta, potato wedges AND cleaning up after myself. Oh my brackets inside brackets. This has gotten out of control] have some lovely clothes" fairy has stopped by then that is quite alright by me. I mean really okay.

I'd obviously cut out the shoulder pads but still....

Damn those are some shoes.

Bonne Nouvelle Année (Je suis desolée que je suis un peu en retard)

It has been too long since I have properly posted and to go through everything I have done since then would mean that we'd be here forever. And ever. An abridged version would go thusly:

Christmas
Was strangely moved by midnight mass. May have had something to do with the strangely moving vodka I guzzled all evening. Presents etc. Always pleasing. It would be mean to say which presents I liked the most so I won't. I'll just say well done M. Bladder and ma soeur.

Ended up in some sort of red wine marathon with my Father. It was an accident but when you have a magnum of red wine what are you going to do? I managed to drink him under the table. But suffered. I ended up the only one still awake at the heinous time of 8pm. Which meant I got to watch the Nativity Decoded. All 2 hours of it. In peace. On the Lord's birthday. Not just the Lord's day. His birthday. Basically, he was the bastard offspring of the victim of rape. Yeah. Imagine finding THAT out on your birthday. Thanks Channel 4. No wonder you're fucked for money. You don't cross the Big Man and get away with it.

A few days after Christmas went to the supermarket with Ma. Remember she has to be chaperoned so she doesn't end up down the whoops! aisle buying roadkill grouse cos it's reduced to £50 from £55. Or something. Obviously I wasn't doing my job properly because I was packing the bags and HOT CROSS BUNS fell in to my hands. ON THE 28TH OF DECEMBER. I was absolutely outraged. And the supermarket man knew it too. I'm not going to say the name of the supermarket. But it rhymes with Rainsburys. I was so shocked and appalled I held the offending item aloft, waving it around above my head and declared,

"HOT CROSS BUNS, HOT CROSS BUNS. THE LORD HAS JUST BEEN BORN. AT LEAST ALLOW HIM A FEW WEEKS OF GLORY BEFORE WE LOOK TO HIS UNTIMELY DEATH TO SAVE PEOPLE WHO DON'T REALLY CARE"

It was the rainsbury's man's turn to look appalled. That's right. I am a messenger for Christ.

New Year
It could be said that there was too much gin involved. Put it this way - we didn't get out of bed until 4pm. But then there is never such a thing as too much gin.

The next few days immediately post new year were spent in a most enjoyable fashion which made me sad face to get back on the train but there is no point lamenting something you have no control over. That and I started laughing every time I thought of cowtack's boyfriend eating a burger so hot he cried. And had to sign a disclaimer saying if he died no one would sue on his behalf before he ate it. Factoid.

Post New Year
I didn't go back to work til the 5th January. It was hard going back. Mainly because I've discovered I hate working. Unless it involves shopping for other people. I wouldn't mind that sort of job. But I doubt people are looking for people to spend their money for them in the middle of a credit crunch.

I'm also saving which renders me quite poor. So I'm selling stuff I hate on Ebay and rediscovering clothes I've not worn in a 100 years. It's actually quite fun. It also means I'm making demands for my birthday already. My sister is also making demands for her birthday. One necklace made of wood showing two hands put together to make a heart to be precise. When she stated she wanted it I put on my spazz voice (don't pretend you don't know what I mean) and said, "Is that cos you're deaf?". Her reply? "What?" It's the little things that make me laugh you know.

Things that I think I might do this year -

1. Learn to knit. So I can make very long scarves with pompoms on the end. And can say it's nanageddon over and over.
2. Buy a cheap sewing machine so I can buy material and make awful skirts and tops only I would wear.
3. Bake more.

Nous sommes un peu nické je pense...

Right kids lets huddle up here. I want a full and frank, off the record conversation here. Remember, we're all friends here and there is absolutely, and I mean absolutely, no judgment. Sooooo, anyone been finding God recently? Or more accurately Hubbard?

Who is this infidel that speaks of L Ron Hubbard? You must not use his name in vain before me. Infidel.

Ah Jeff. So, you're a Scientologist now?

Why yes Brett! I am! Would you have time by any chance to take our personality test? It is 3% accurate and almost always ends up with me telling you that you have to join our spaceship and give us a shitload, and I mean a shitload, of cash to save you from the crazy ones who are going to slay you the day we're all lifted out of here and to Mars so we can fuck that planet up too. God bless L Ron Hubbard. I mean, L Ron Hubbard bless L Ron Hubbard.

No Jeff. I don't have time to take a personality test cos I'm currently being fucked in the arse by our boss. So you're to blame for this Katie Holmes Miu Miu campaign then are you. Talk about shafting me when I was looking the other way.

Actually I think you'll find you weren't looking the other way, you were looking to the toilet cistern whilst you shovelled unholy amounts of bad things in to your face. Heathen.

ER YOU CAN TALK

I can talk yes. And I only take prescription drugs now that I've bought off the internet which places me several rungs above you on the ladder my friend. Heretic.

Back to the point. LOOK AT THE FUCKING STATE OF IT. She looks dead. Actually dead. I mean we managed to get away with the Madonna thing. That really old photo of her out of control bush actually vindicated us in that we couldn't remove her much older, ginger one out of shot but STILL. This is something else. Miu Miu is supposed to appeal to quirky hipsters with money to burn. Not stupid bints that have married men much, much shorter than them. That jump around on sofas. And beg for parts in Ben Stiller films to raise their awful, awful profile.

Well, the theme was apocolypse now you see. See how the background looks like the burning embers of Hell? That's no conincidence. That'll be her face when the spaceship comes. Gentile.

But she looks like a fembot.

Yeah. I think Tom is looking for a part in the next Mike Myers film.

I swear to God Jeff. The next time I see you you'd better be in a k hole so fucking deep that I can't reach you cos I'll batter the shit out of you. What's the next shit you're gonna come up with? That other stupid cow that Holmes is attempting to emulate....

Victoria Beckham. Pagan.

....yeah her, photoshopped to ras in her underwear in some bizarre passive agressive ad campaign against her husband.

Huuuummmmmm.

Railtrack were furious...but later admitted that they hadn't had a single complaint

I promise to do a proper Ben & Jerry's related update soon but in the mean time:

I'd be really grateful if I got off the train at St Pancras to the same thing tomorrow. Fanks. 

Mon Dieu

Hot bod. Bad hair. I'd have got rid too Guy. 

By the way - are you there God? It's me Margaret. I mean Madamoiselle Bladder. I'm willing to give up my first born for the girls up there. Talk to me. 

Bonne Nouvelle Année

I could do a 2008 round up but it would be pretty pointless seeing as it will be pretty rubbish in comparison to all my friends so can I suggest you see:

www.directorsnotes.com

which is a lovely little website with a few of my friend's Best of 2008 Film lists. They're pretty much spot on and I can't argue with them so they've saved me a job there (I drink my milkshake)

And onwards and upwards. Some of the things that I'm looking forward to this year are:

Florence and the Machine
You've probably read about her around the place. She has been doing the weekend supplements rounds for a while now but unlike Lady GaGa you should actually bother to check her out. I also have a teensy girl crush on her. And Nicola from Girls Aloud. And Lindsay Lohan. It's their hair. Their firey red head red hair. *swoon* etc.

Wendy & Lucy
Touted as the most minimalist tragedy of the moment I have a burning desire to see this. I imagine it'll be shot a lot like Julian Donkey Boy (which I love but can't watch for fear of the tears). Who knew I'd be interested in a film about one woman and her dog.

The Wrestler
You must be dead if you don't know about this.

Slumdog Millionaire
See above.

Lily Allen - It's not me, it's you
I heart Lily Allen more than brightly coloured tights. Having heard some of the stuff she put up on MySpace I might even actually buy this.....or maybe not. In other news she wears the YSL Tribute II in her video for The Fear. I don't care for them much but there is a fuck long waiting list for that shit. Which means she really must be important.

La Roux

Quicksand is on the Kitsuné Maison 6 album. It's hideously catchy and I haven't been able to get it out of my head since November. What pleases me even more though is that she is supporting Lily Allen. It means a lot to me. 

JCVD
Heard about this today and the idea makes me want to piss myself. Briefly (and I quote) Jean Claude Van Damme tries to break down the 4th wall by playing himself, essentially a down and out actor who once had it all. I know. As if it couldn't get any better apparently there are imaginary montages where he breaks people's backs n stuff. Oh. And it's all in French.

Alexandra Burke's album
JOKES THOUGH

Cassée mais heureuse