The Office Mouth. We all have one. You know that woman who thinks she knows everything about everything and shouts out all her, incorrect, trivia across the office. Thus far I have managed to keep my mouth shut and let her share her "wisdom" whilst I put my fist in my mouth to try and stop myself from shouting out, "You're fucking wrong you FOOL."
Anyway, the other day enough was enough. I know I don't know a lot about anything but Catholicism, Catholicism I know. So she proclaims that she will have to go to Mass on Hallowe'en as it is a Holy Day of Obligation because it is All Souls Day. I've never heard anything more wrong in my life. Seriously, trying to say smoking doesn't cause cancer is less wrong than this ridiculousness. So I pipe up and tell her that she is wrong. We get in to a childish, Wrong, Right, Wrong, Right exchange until she says, "Fine. We'll google it". I was really mature and replied, "Fine. Do that.", adding under my breath, "Because I know I'm right.".
Whilst this hilarious exchange is going on a deathly silence has settled across the office as the Clash of the Titans began. Meanwhile I'm emailing a like minded colleague who also thinks that The Mouth is a complete cretin. I believe my email went something along the lines of, "I've had enough of her fucking spouting".
Whilst The Mouth googled something I already knew I was right about I made myself look busy waiting for the inevitable apology. The rest of the office waited on tenderhooks and I'd put money on the fact that they were furiously emailing each other debating who would win this battle.
And then, the apology came. Of course I was right. I knew I was right. I attempted to accept the apology with grace and poise without coming across as too much of a smug bitch.....all the while typing a new email to my like minded colleague:
"And she can suck my fucking fanny"
1 comment:
Unfortunately I don't believe that 'tenderhooks' is a valid term in anybody's book. Perhaps you were thinking of 'tenterhooks' as in hooks used to stretch cloth over a tenter, 'tenterhooks' or to be 'on tenterhooks' is also used to describe a feeling of general unease, and/or great suspense.
Wonder if the office mouth new that one.
Pity they didn't put that little description in the bible really, would have saved alot of confusion later on wouldn't it.
Quel dommage indeed!
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