Tour Eiffel

They called and said,

Yo yo I make teapots and I hear you're pretty much the go to girl for stupid shit so what shape would you like us to make?

Um, I do like Paris. Can you make a teapot the shape of Paris?

Yeah, yeah totally. We could do a range, London, Paris, New York. OF COURSE WE CAN'T YOU FREAK.

Oh. Okay. Well I'll guess I'll settle for the Eiffel Tower.

Now, now. THAT's better.

And here we are. Actually, that didn't happen. But something much funnier did. So when I'm down I do one of three things:

1: Drink my unhappiness away

2: Shop my unhappiness away

and if it's really dire and I can't manage to do either of those things then

3: Eat my unhappiness away.

Last night I was thankfully lined up for some posh nosh in the East Rooms. This meant that alcohol would also be involved. Arriving at my friend's house I announced that not only was I bollock freezing cold (which is quite a feat considering) but that I was gonna get reallyfuckingdrunk.

Off we went and the nice lady took my coat and sat us down. Then the nice man came over and asked us what we wanted to drink. My reply, "Something strong". So we kicked the night off with a French 75.

French 75

Articulate and witty. Sipping my drink and doing a catch up of the Christmas/New Year. Speaking at an acceptable volume

Bottle of light bodied red

An enjoyable, drinkable wine. Drinkable being the buzz word. Down it went as I became even wittier but volume increased. Also, I began to swear a lot. Mainly saying things like fucking. But being hilarious. Explaining the art of going to a wedding which is not local and then realising that my chicken is probably going cold but I'll sacrifice the food for my witty banter because people really need to hear this shit. Finishing off the last of it I declared, "I like this, I think we should have another bottle".....

Another bottle of light bodied red

It goes a bit hazy half way through this one but I reckon that I'm probably being extremely witty about now. I also basically tell my friend I really like her shoes. In fact, I like them so much that she should lend them to me for my birthday. She complies either out of fear or inebriation. Either way her compliance is binding. I think this is the bottle where we talk about spending too much money in the sales. In any event, we accept the dessert menu and then it sits beside us, languishing, unopened.

Another glass of light bodied red

I love the waiter. He is so smiley and helpful (I forget this is his job). He recommended this fine wine. And it is fine wine. And he is foreign. Suddenly it is very important that I know where he is from. He won't tell me so I have to guess. I guess Turkey. I am wrong. It seems that I think it important that the WHOLE ROOM know that this waiter is lovely and that we should ALL guess where he is from. So I turn around in my chair and suddenly the 6-8 other people who are insane enough to be out at 1am on a school night join in a kind of raucous game of 'Where Is The Waiter From'.

Are you from Europe?

Are you from mainland Europe? (This was me. I thought he was trying to trick me by saying he wasn't from Turkey)

Do you use the Euro?

How long does it take to get home?

It was most entertaining. For me. I didn't guess it. Some lady did. The irony being that this morning I couldn't remember where he was from. And I still can't. Then I interrogated a lovely man and lady sat behind me. Turned out they were on a first date. "Oooooh, how is it going?" Well, I'm guessing everyone was thinking it so I may as well ask. No. I can't remember the answer to that specifically either. I think it was going okay though. It was 1am so either she'd missed the tube home and resigned herself to an inevitable, I must sleep with this person or I'll be sleeping in the street and it's -4 degrees outside, or it really was going well. I never can tell.

And then it was time to go home and pass out. Braced ourselves for pulling down the futon for me to sleep on but my friend's boyfriend had had some foresight. He'd pulled it out and made the bed up. It would not be wrong to say we stopped in our tracks when we caught sight of such thoughtfulness and said, "Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, he is so lovely", over and over for about ten minutes. That or he is very clever and knew that he'd be woken up by bang, crash, thump, fuck the futon won't get round the radiator can we pull it out, drag, drag, thump. But we'll give him the benefit of the doubt.

***Since writing the above I have found this site. It is, without doubt, the best website on the internet. Fact***