Noel

And just like that I say that a dinosaur on a bike reminds me of my boyfriend and he purchases me a dinosaur kigu. I would say that I heart it more than anything in the world (comfortable? Yes. Worn all Christmas? Yes? Room for a thousand mince pies? Definitely) but that would be crass.

Christmas was textbook so I won't bore you with the details, ate a lot, opened presents, watched the Royle Family Christmas Special, yawn, yawn etc etc.

Christmas does make everyone go a teeny bit mental though doesn't it? For example, on Christmas Eve I went in to town with my mum for some "quality time" (or ideas on what to get family we don't really like and only see once a year as well as the neighbours who are lovely but seem to think we don't eat as they constantly bring their leftovers around - which is just strange quite frankly). Having decided to purchase a fancy vase for the neighbours mum decided we had to buy flowers to go in said vase. Fair enough, I can see the logic in that. Off we went to M&S that fine purveyor of flowers. Now my mum loves lilies. Loves them. Even if they are a sign of death and their pollen stench actually puts my dad and sister off their food she persists in buying them. And I'm not sure if you know this but they're also a flower signifying death. I murmered this as she headed towards them for the neighbours. One of whom nearly DIED of Cancer this year (and for once I'm not even exaggerating for the sake of hilarity). No, no. I was not to be listened to. Only the finest white lilies for the neighbours, one of whom nearly died (did I mention that?). It is also important to mention that the flowers have a 10 day guarantee. They are M&S after all.

We get to the counter and she plonks them down. So far, so textbook. The nice lady scans them through and before Mum puts her card in to the magic machine she asks, "What happens if they die before the 10 days is up?". Do you think this woman has EVER been asked this question before? Ever? Well I can tell you the answer is probably NO. As I fell through the floor with embarrassment she did this, "Er, er. Well.". ER ER WELL was her answer. However, she recovered well from the initial answer and said, "Well I suppose you'd keep the receipt and then keep the plastic and then if they died bring them both back?". See my insertion of a question mark there? It wasn't an answer, it was a query to someone who wasn't there. Sensing trouble, a colleague bounded over to come to assistance but she was as useless as the first. Having managed to pick myself up off the floor and embarrassment beginning to abate in to wheezy laughing I felt it my Christmas duty to help a sister out. "Mum", I said, "If they die you say, oh dear those lovely flowers died although I am not ultimately shocked by this as ALL FLOWERS DIE WHICH IS THE POINT OF THEM". The woman looked at me gratefully. My mother, she did not. She punched me in the arm. The fleshy bit. At the top. Hard. In front of the M&S ladies. It must truly have been Christmas for the violence to begin. But the grateful look meant I continued. Because I was bringing Christmas Cheer. "Anyway, we're giving them to the neighbours. What are you going to do? On the 10th day of Christmas you're going to knock on the door and ask them if the flowers are still alive because if they're not you have the receipt and you can get some more? You. Are. Mental. So much so these nice ladies are going to go home tonight and tell their family about the mental lady asking what she should do when flowers die". The grateful lady piped up, "Oh no, we won't. It's a good question". But you could see on her face that she was totally going to tell her family. And I bet she totally did.