Du pain, du vin, du boursin

In another moment down Alice went after it, never once considering how in the world she was to get out again.

The rabbit-hole went straight on like a tunnel for some way, and then dipped suddenly down, so suddenly that Alice had not a moment to think about stopping herself before she found herself falling down what seemed to be a very deep well.

Either the well was very deep, or she fell very slowly, for she had plenty of time as she went down to look about her, and to wonder what was going to happen next. First, she tried to look down and make out what she was coming to, but it was too dark to see anything: then she looked at the sides of the well, and noticed that they were filled with cupboards and book-shelves: here and there she saw maps and pictures hung upon pegs. She took down a jar from one of the shelves as she passed: it was labeled 'ORANGE MARMALADE' but to her great disappointment it was empty: she did not like to drop the jar, for fear of killing somebody underneath, so managed to put it one of the cupboards as she fell past it.

"Well!" thought Alice to herself. "After such a fall as this I shall think nothing of tumbling down-stairs! How brave they'll all think me at home! Why, I wouldn't say anything about it, even if I fell off the top of the house!" (Which was very likely true)

Down, down, down. Would the fall never come to an end?

OMGROFLCOPTERLOLWTFORLY?

I did NOT see this coming.

What happened? The Kings of Leon become a stadium band...and manage to carry it off with much aplomb. You can't argue with two solid hours of music. Shockingly good. 

Clothes show. Hoom. Managed to be very restrained and only buy one pair of Irregular Choice shoes even though at one point it was looking like it'd be three. And yes. They were heavily reduced. It has also been decided that if we're reduced to Lohans Erin and I are hitting up that civil ceremony shit asap. A day of shopping followed by a lovely evening in a country hotel. I couldn't ask for a better wife.

You should also hit Tara McPherson up. Is it wrong to spend £50 on a 5 colour silk screen print? Think of my imaginary house. I think it's crying out for an uncut death metal girl.

Merde

"Er Guys, do you remember when we went to Coachella in the Summer and we all went a bit batty on the K and to sort ourselves out we dropped a load of acid and then decided we should use Madonna in our S/S08 campaign?

We went to Coachella?

Yes Jeff. We did. But you had to over exert yourself on the first night with a load of smack that you got off of Anthony Kiedis and spend the rest of the month hooked up to a ventilator in the desert cos you were too touch and go to be moved. Anyway. The photos are back. And we're fucked.

Hmm. Not really a surprise.

No. It's not. I mean we've done what we can but....Well look at them. Thankfully the stylist thought to put all the bangles we had for the shoot on her arm all at the same time which means we've managed to cover up the 97 year old arm problem. Unfortunately we didn't bring quite enough bangles so we had to pay for some 17 year old photoshop whizkid to do the rest. And obviously, we then didn't have any other bangles for the rest of the shoot.

What about her inexplicable desire to show her fanny off at every moment?

It's not really inexplicable. She had a Catholic upbringing and she's a bit of a ho bag.

True say. Okay. What about her desire to show her fanny off at ever moment?

Turns out Meisel isn't just a photographer. He's a fricking genius. He got her to sit sideways to the camera and for her to turn her head.

HE'S A GENIUS

I know! It failed slightly though. Turns out she has an out of control ginger muff. I guess that's what happens when you get as old as the dawn of time though. You start growing hair at an alarming rate from places you really wish it didn't happen. Ears. Nose.

Muff.

Muff. But you know, muff covers clit so we're all good.

I thought it was Cock, Muff, Bumhole?

NO! I'm not talking about games now. We couldn't talk her out of the hooker tights cos she's Madonna and don't we know who she is and all that.

Fuck.

Oh no, it's alright. We went through some stuff, put out some calls and managed to find a pair of hooker shoes so it looks like it's deliberate. Sort of. If hookers hang out in high class Parisian cafés.

Nice. Very Helen Mirren Emmy thing.

Yeah. It was inspired. Even if I do say so myself. And I do. So all in all, we'll pay Vogue enough to chat shit about how great the pictures are, hope all the bitchy queen bloggers go for them cos it's Madonna and every bitchy queen blogger loves Madonna and promise ourselves to never make decisions like that whilst high again. So. Next campaign. I've just done a couple of bumps by the way. I was thinking - Britney?

C'était quelquechose que j'ai dit?

Tu n'as pas la chance...

Such an inordinate amount of hilarious things has happened this week that I really don't have the time to do them justice but I feel it is my duty to post the following:

I've never been Dita Von Teese's biggest fan. I now know she isn't my biggest fan either. Her bras just make my chest look crap. And I've tried pretty much every style in every possible size that could accommodate the girls and nada. They look totally rubbish. I know! Who thought such a thing was possible when it comes to my chest but there we have it.

Back to the job in hand. She's pretty enough but not a knock out. Fairly hot body but she looks a bit mis-shapen to me. I don't mind the whole vintagey thing she has going on but all in all she doesn't rock my world. By the same token I don't despise her with a passion either. Apathetic would probably sum it up nicely.

Until I saw this:

I'm not sure if it's the way that corset makes her tits look basically perfect or her facial expression but I most definitely would. Good Christ it's enough to give a straight girl a heart attack. As an aside. EXCELLENT job on the suspenders Dita. Great choice.

The above gentleman, however, does not agree. I'm going to come clean right now. I was on a gossip website and it linked me to Dita. Which was published in the sun (I'm deliberately not giving it capital letters. It scrapes the barrel for news. As illustrated by Dita Von Teese getting her kit off being in the 'news'paper. I didn't read about it in The Guardian today. Please note the capitalisation). Which allows it's morons, sorry I mean members to have their say. Yes! Because everyone wants to hear what a sun reader has to say. I imagine on most topics it's a fairly simple, "NO". Or perhaps, "SICKOS". When I say most topics I mean those that get published in most publications. When it comes to the proper news, however, comments can go up to, wait for it, two WHOLE lines. That must have taken up most of the day. And then a little lie down for exerting so much brain power.

Okay. Sorry. My vitriol has no bounds but I will stop or this will degenerate in to a rant that has no end. Where was I? Ah yes, that comely young man above. Apparently he "wouldn't". Why? Because she had a "bizarre relationship" with Marilyn Manson. He wouldn't touch her with a "ten foot pole". If your pole really is ten foot then I imagine Dita is kicking herself right now. I mean it. She sits on the sun website all day every day waiting for you to change your mind about her bizarre relationship that consisted of her going out with someone she liked, then falling in love with him, then marrying him, then divorcing him because it didn't work out. Fucking bizarre hey? OH NO I forgot. All sun readers go out with people half their age then field out their children to the local wack job to put them in a drawer under the bed so they can get reward money from the papers sorry I mean so they can dump their much younger boyfriend who turns out to be a peado. Dita Von Teese is one fucking crazy relationship bitch!

Je sais que...

Slumdog Millionaire is going to be brilliant. How do I know this? Because they use That Epic Sigur Ros song in the trailer (The one off of Takk that I don't know the name of because it's all in Icelandic but they always use it when someone overcomes some sort of adversity on the X Factor like they found out that the top of the X Factor audition outfit was actually in the wash so they had to rethink the whole thing but still found something suitably slutty to get through to boot camp).

No. But seriously. It will be brilliant. And so will The Wrestler. Factoid.