Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Quelle sallope

Look at that face and remember it because I am absolutely livid with that slut bag. Last night after settling in to watch a bit of Gordon and catch up on The Amber Spyglass which I have been REALLY slack at reading I had the MISFORTUNE to stumble upon a documentary about that complete waste of space to the left. Would you believe that the man faced "woman" was actually 'Girl with a One Track Mind' or Abby Lee or whatever her real name is. No. I wouldn't either. Why? Because she is fucking rough.

This documentary charted the rise of sex blogs in the mid noughties. As a brief resumé she basically started a blog charting the trail of spunk that she left around London town and everyone celebrated because she was so sexually liberated (or emotionally retarded) that if there was a whiff of relationship potential she hot footed it on to the next unfortunate man that happened to impale himself on her rank claws. Owing to the fact that she was completely frank and explicit about what she got up to people all over the shop were logging on to read about whose penis had entered her on any given day. Then the tabloids (who were painted as the mongrels that they are, obviously) exposed her for who she was after she had had her blog published as a book and things fell to shit for a little while. But not for long! Thank God! Because now Channel 4 are making a documentary about her. Well done Channel 4!

My problem(s) with the documentary:

1 - We all know the format here guys. Channel 4 choose a topic to cover and they get 'relevant' people to discuss it, give their opinion on it and then have their name appear at the bottom of the tv about 6 times in one hour. Then they return to whatever job they normally do which has given them the right to discuss said topic. There were 3 commentators in this programme. I think that says a lot as generally the average is about 20. Clearly, no one could give enough of a shit about this stupid bint to actually bother to leave the office.

  • Zoe Williams from The Guardian (I expected more from The Guardian. I really did.)
  • The editor of Scarlet magazine
  • The woman who runs Cliterati (see what they've done there?)
So. The above women are banging on about what great thing she did for women and she really is a feminist and how women love sex and at last someone was actually talking about it. Now. I think it is time I mentioned that the 3 commentators who were championing feminism in whatever guise they have obviously decided it has taken in the 'noughties' were wearing the LOWEST cut tops I have ever seen in MY LIFE. And I was a fifteen year old strumpet that needed to get served in the pub. There is always serious cleavage action when you're fifteen. Fact. Zoe Williams was being filmed from above with extremely muted lighting the whole time. I'm telling you I could tell you the woman's nipple circumference. And this is meant to be feminism? Really? Wearing tops that you genuinely wear when your a teen and are desperate for some male attention regardless of how positive the attention is? I've hit 24 and I realised quite a while ago that tops like that attract the sort of knobheads that I'd quite happily kick in the bollocks repeatedly.

2 - Is broadcasting who you're banging and exactly what you're doing sexually liberated? Here is the deal. Life isn't like Sex and the City. Sorry. I find it totally distasteful to have the world and it's mother and YOUR mother be able to read a blog and then say over Sunday dinner, "So dear, did that wheatgrass juice really make a difference to the taste of his spunk?". No. You wouldn't like it either.

2 - Completely randomly and for no reason at all the clips of the Girl with a One Track Mind (who was either on the tube, in a taxi or at a café - why? Was it some sort of social commentary about transport and getting to and from cafés as well that I totally missed?) and the commentators were interspersed with scenes of some random lady whose face you couldn't see typing at a laptop COMPLETELY NAKED. Gratuitous doesn't even begin to cover it. Obviously everyone that writes a blog does it completely in the nude. I know I'm naked right now. Did I mention that I have the heating turned up to 30 because it is -3 outside? Yeah. I'm right sexy I am.

3 - Oh yeah. Fleetingly, there was some bird back in the '60s called Erica Jong. She wrote some book that was really revolutionary but you don't want to know about that.

THAT was all the mention the above lady got. Who did a whole fuck load more for feminism and sexual liberation than a blog on the internet could ever do. But we don't want to hear about her do we? No. She kept her clothes on when she was writing her book. Doesn't she know ANYTHING about sexual liberation? First rule - write your blog (books are for geeks) in the nude! Idiot!

4 - Advertising. We all know that advertisers pay big bucks to have their adverts broadcasted at certain times and during certain shows. So, finally the adverts came on as I was about to explode with rage (I know what you're thinking. Why did you keep watching? Car crash. You know them? Yeah. Thats why). So anyway. What is the first ad to be shown? An ad for Southern Comfort with some woman telling us how much we should be knocking back the Southern Comfort. Then she goes to a party and drinks some Southern Comfort and all these men fall at her feet. Obviously. I think it may have been all the alcohol fumes emanating from her that did it. I don't think Southern Comfort would want you to think that though so the ad wrapped up fairly quickly after that. Never fear though! The next ad will sort out that fumigation problem.....Have you got the code? The Armani code? No. I don't either but clearly we should do. It'll sort that men falling over as you walk past at parties problem that I find ALWAYS happens to me. So, lets take a step back here. What sort of woman would be watching a documentary on some jolly wench that strumpets around London and then writes all about it on the internet? Oh that type! The drunken lush that can only hide the fact she is a drunken lush by dousing herself in some expensive perfume.

I had more problems but I think that is enough of a rant quite frankly. If you do see me in real life in the next few weeks I'd advise you don't bring this up. I could go on for hours. And I apologise profusely if you disagree with me and you've found my rhetoric unsavoury.

If there are any publishers reading this blog who are looking for another blog to publish I'd like to make it quite clear that as I write this I have various sex toys of every shape and size hanging out of my every orifice. Oh and I use the term write fairly loosely. I'm currently reclining on a chaise longue dictating this to my gimp. Every girl should have one.

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