Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Tu n'as pas la chance...

Such an inordinate amount of hilarious things has happened this week that I really don't have the time to do them justice but I feel it is my duty to post the following:

I've never been Dita Von Teese's biggest fan. I now know she isn't my biggest fan either. Her bras just make my chest look crap. And I've tried pretty much every style in every possible size that could accommodate the girls and nada. They look totally rubbish. I know! Who thought such a thing was possible when it comes to my chest but there we have it.

Back to the job in hand. She's pretty enough but not a knock out. Fairly hot body but she looks a bit mis-shapen to me. I don't mind the whole vintagey thing she has going on but all in all she doesn't rock my world. By the same token I don't despise her with a passion either. Apathetic would probably sum it up nicely.

Until I saw this:

I'm not sure if it's the way that corset makes her tits look basically perfect or her facial expression but I most definitely would. Good Christ it's enough to give a straight girl a heart attack. As an aside. EXCELLENT job on the suspenders Dita. Great choice.

The above gentleman, however, does not agree. I'm going to come clean right now. I was on a gossip website and it linked me to Dita. Which was published in the sun (I'm deliberately not giving it capital letters. It scrapes the barrel for news. As illustrated by Dita Von Teese getting her kit off being in the 'news'paper. I didn't read about it in The Guardian today. Please note the capitalisation). Which allows it's morons, sorry I mean members to have their say. Yes! Because everyone wants to hear what a sun reader has to say. I imagine on most topics it's a fairly simple, "NO". Or perhaps, "SICKOS". When I say most topics I mean those that get published in most publications. When it comes to the proper news, however, comments can go up to, wait for it, two WHOLE lines. That must have taken up most of the day. And then a little lie down for exerting so much brain power.

Okay. Sorry. My vitriol has no bounds but I will stop or this will degenerate in to a rant that has no end. Where was I? Ah yes, that comely young man above. Apparently he "wouldn't". Why? Because she had a "bizarre relationship" with Marilyn Manson. He wouldn't touch her with a "ten foot pole". If your pole really is ten foot then I imagine Dita is kicking herself right now. I mean it. She sits on the sun website all day every day waiting for you to change your mind about her bizarre relationship that consisted of her going out with someone she liked, then falling in love with him, then marrying him, then divorcing him because it didn't work out. Fucking bizarre hey? OH NO I forgot. All sun readers go out with people half their age then field out their children to the local wack job to put them in a drawer under the bed so they can get reward money from the papers sorry I mean so they can dump their much younger boyfriend who turns out to be a peado. Dita Von Teese is one fucking crazy relationship bitch!

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Je sais que...

Slumdog Millionaire is going to be brilliant. How do I know this? Because they use That Epic Sigur Ros song in the trailer (The one off of Takk that I don't know the name of because it's all in Icelandic but they always use it when someone overcomes some sort of adversity on the X Factor like they found out that the top of the X Factor audition outfit was actually in the wash so they had to rethink the whole thing but still found something suitably slutty to get through to boot camp).

No. But seriously. It will be brilliant. And so will The Wrestler. Factoid. 

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

PS Je t'aime mais tu ne me manque pas

First of all I would like to apologise profusely for the interruption in services. I could make up some sort of elaborate excuse about how I went to Leeds twice in one week and was pretty much a woman on the edge but the bottom line is I just couldn't be arsed.

I overheard the best chat up line. Ever. The weekend before last weekend I was minding my own business 'helping at the bar' when the greasiest, nastiest waster strutted past. He stopped behind a young lady who happened to be stood beside me and very smugly tapped her on the shoulder. Around she turned and he opened with....wait for it....."Excuse me, you sold me some underpants today." I shit you not. To put it in to context, he looked like he'd been dragged through a copse backwards (which is rich coming from me but I do settle for just bush. HAHAHAHAHA. Sorry. That's childish. I'm still sniggering though) and what clearly went unsaid was, "And I bet you were fucking wet when you did it. Bitch." Did I mention he looked like he'd not think twice about sleeping outside Game for the new World of Warcraft. Mmm. Hot. Her reply was pretty much all one could do in the circumstances, "Er. Really?" I mean. It wasn't all she could do. It was the polite thing to do but it wasn't the only thing really was it? I think I would have replied with, "Get fucked" or "It was clearly such a traumatic experience I have wiped it from my brain so please get out of my face you mentalist", etc etc. As opposed to doing the decent thing and leaving the bar to go in search of his dignity he remained. And went in to great detail about the sort of pants he'd bought. By this time I was in hysterics and actually bent over crying. For the record they were covered in pacmen. Which is fairly cute I guess but I won't be able to look at a pacman for a while now without collapsing in to giggles. When he'd finally finished the girl just looked blankly at him. He then loped off like he had such a large penis that he'd had to tape it to his left leg (don't even PRETEND you don't know the sort of walk I'm talking about. ESPECIALLY if you're a bloke). She then turned to her friend and the only thing she said about the whole experience was, "Well that was weird". Understatement of the year.

The next day I took myself in to town for a wander when I ended up stood in front of a massive rack of tights. Two girls were stood beside me, one of whom worked in the shop but was chatting shit at what was clearly her friend. They were sizing up the tights when non shop girl said that she quite liked the bright pink tights and could her mate get them discount for her. Shop girl's reply went something along the lines of why would she want those crazy pink tights and who would wear such crazy clothing. If this was a film this would be where the camera cuts away from the two girls in coversation and pans backwards really slowly until I come in to shot. Wearing the offensive article in question. Luckily I saw the funny side although I'm unsure of whether Shop Girl meant to be rude or not. No matter. She won't wear coloured tights. Like her opinion counts for anything. And I really do mean anything.

Saw the Boosh on Thursday and spent the weekend in Bright Town. Boosh was surprisingly funny. Probably not worth £30 but it was a pleasant evening all the same. And it gave us some dance tips to bust out on Friday night in the pub. On our own. Here's a tip. Don't do moves Bob Fossil has taught you. It'll end in tears.

It has since come to my attention that my interpretation of the Rhianna song might be a bit wrong. Well quite wrong. My sister has come home and informed me that she is actually singing Disturbia. Not dirty love. And has mocked me relentlessly ever since. In my defence I say the following,
  • Is Disturbia even a fucking word?
  • Why has no one told me this before?
  • I only overheard it in the supermarket ONCE. Why would I assume that she is saying a MADE UP word as opposed to dirty love? As I explained to my sister - I thought it was like a dirty protest. For love.
I'm still going to say it's dirty love. It sounds better.

This week Miss B has been trying to get this and this out of her head. To no avail.

To try and get her mind off of the above she has been salivating over Phillipe Starck's new venture. And thinking about Paris in the Spring.

She has also been alarmed by the fact that this has grown on her to such an extent that she is almost tempted to buy it. Maybe in the January sale. Ouch.

Saturday, November 01, 2008


Three jobs I have had :
1) Sandwich Artist
2) Cocktail Barmaid
3) Paralegal

Three places I have lived:
1) Barnet
2) Paris
3) Leicester

Three shows that I watch:
1) X-Factor
2) Nevermind the Buzzcocks
3) Peep Show

Three of my favourite films
1) Requiem for a Dream
2) Eagle vs Shark
3) Little Miss Sunshine

Three of my favourite music albums
1) Justice - †
2) MGMT - Oracular Spectacular
3) Crystal Castles

Three people who email me often:
1) Fay
2) Sammy/Carrie (Reply all....)
3) Sleazy/Money

Three of my favourite foods:
1) Chicken Chow Mein
2) Guylian sea shells
3) Roast lamb with my or me ma's roasties.

Three of my favourite drinks (non-alky-hol-ik)
1) Robinson's Orange & Mango - sugar free
2) Orange juice
3) Chocolate milkshake

Three of my favourite drinks (alky-hol-ik)
1) Gin & Tonic
2) Oreo Cocktail
3) Grasshoppers from Hot Coles (RIP)

Three places I'd rather be right now:
1) In bed having a bed picnic and watching a good film
2) Tokyo
3) In a river on an elephant in Thailand.

Three things you are looking forward to:
1) Boosh in Bright Town
2) Kings of Leon
3) Manchester

Three famous people I'd like to meet:
1) Lindsay Lohan (only if she was off the wagon though)
2) Lily Allen
3) Debbie Harry

Three Superheroes I'd like to be (in order... 1 being the best!) :
1) Rogue
2) Harley Quinn
3) Wonder Woman

Three words that amuse me for no reason:
1) cretin
2) nefarious
3) spatchcock

Three things about I think about love:
1) It's when your brain shuts down and your heart starts working