Tuesday, October 28, 2008


It's possible that it may have escaped your notice but something really important is going on right now. And if you have the ability to vote then you should use it. Seriously. Because your vote could make all the difference between a Leona and a Leon. Yes. That's right people. I'm talking about X Factor.

I feel compelled to comment upon this weekend's episode (No, I didn't watch it on Saturday night. Yes, I was enough of a loser to watch it after it had been broadcast). Daniel. Please. Someone give him a t shirt that says, "My wife is dead", and then let him stand mute for 3 minutes on stage until it's time for the judges to say their usual spiel about how that performance might just be the best in The Competition and that they've changed their mind about the contestant or that they have the next Leona Lewis on stage in front of them etc etc etc. If there ever was a man on the edge then he is it. If the judges had any compassion they'd boot him off and put him in the Priory for what is clearly insanity brought on from grief.

I'd also like to take the time to point out that if anything epic ever happens to my entire family (the Jennifer Hudson saga will do. She'd be hauled on to X Factor if she hadn't already been on American Idol) then I'm gonna present my arse to Simon Cowell on a plate in exchange for a couple of million. I know for a fact I'd only be famous for about a week before I'd be forgotten about. Suits me down to the ground. I could handle being followed for a week in exchange for silly cash.

Anyway. Enough. I'm off to watch some proper television. That's right. Twiggy's frock swap.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008


This has just come to my attention. It's important I put this up now. Otherwise I'll forget about it. I might buy this tomorrow. Or I might treat Smiths like a library. And proper order that treatment is too. 

News just in:

Cleaning up your room is actually quite rewarding in that you can walk around without stepping on stuff AND you find £40 of Selfridges vouchers you'd forgotten about AND you find that bright pink lipstick you thought you'd left in Brighton that you were on the verge of rebuying only at the weekend. 

Keep it foolish.


"And what is this medication you took last night?"

The right answer would have been, "Lots of fucking vodka". Absolutely wankered. Openly admitted that her child does more mothering than she does. Nice. 

Monday, October 20, 2008


So in an effort to stem the amount of crap falling out of my bedroom door I have decided to sell things on Ebay. When it comes to Ebay I have a sort of compulsion to lie. In fact, I have to. If I told the truth about why I was selling things no one else would ever buy my stuff. In fact, I make up quite elaborate, hilarious lies because I get a bit carried away. I sort of look at it like a blog...a short lived one, that gets a lot of views in a week.

Anyway. I have this dress right. It's from All Saints. If I was to tell the truth my listing would go something like this:

Bought this in a sale frenzy. Looks good from the back, awful from the front. If you can stomach walking around back first this is definitely the dress for you. Also, is a terrible biscuit colour. Makes you look a bit like you've got rickets. Or scurvey. Maybe AIDs.

What I will probably write (no, really):

Bought this as a maternity dress but my bump was too big! [The exclamation mark is important here. It makes you an approachable seller. Gwan, ask me a question, I'll reduce postage and everything. Also this dress could accommodate triplets.]

I also have this skirt which come out loads at the hips. I mean, loads. The truth would be:

Bought this skirt because I was bored at work. Makes your hips and arse look massive. Well, makes my hips and arse looks massive. Which is quite impressive as my hips are quite small in comparison to the rest of my body. And I do have quite a small arse.

Obviously I'll write something completely ridiculous about Kate Moss probably wearing it and the (old) bird out of The Tings Tings coveting it and how it makes you like an hour glass.

However, possibly the worst thing I have ever done when selling on Ebay is the following:

I have a habit of going to charity shops because I am obsessed with old Granny's jewellery, bags and general accessories. Whilst scouring one day I stumbled across a pair of Rossignol women's ski boots. In a former life I used to ski. A lot. I skied a lot. A. Lot. So I knew they were worth about £300 new and they'd clearly been used for about a week. They were a fiver. You can guess what I did. In fact. Let's give you some options....Did I

i Tell the nice old lady in the Cancer shop (NOT a shop where you go to buy Cancer) that they'd vastly underpriced them and that they could bung at least another thirty quid on top
ii Buy them and then put them on Ebay saying that I was too pregnant to ski and will probably not ski again for years (are you sensing a theme here? The irony being my friend was 8 months gone and saying to me, "I just want it out", every time I saw her) and had them go for £160.

Yes. I am going to Hell. After a slow painful death. From Cancer.

This week Miss B was all cultured out and will probably not go to a museum/gallery/play until the year 2012. She also received her Mighty Boosh tickets.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008


So I read this today,

We booked into a very expensive hotel, bought some very expensive drugs and stayed up all night until it was light, when we walked through London in the twinkling emptiness of Christmas morning

and decided that for a person without kids it sounds like the most perfect Christmas ever.

This week Miss B has been amused by:

The toilet monster is your friend.

The lyric, "Ladies are waxed, they all know I'm coming"

Being in the supermarket with the old dear (yes, I must oversee these things or she ends up forgetting the important things like Tropicana orange juice and arriving home with cream cakes and novelty mayonnaise - Look! It's mayonnaise but with garlic! We can have it with our chips - We never eat chips - Sometimes we do. From the takeaway - Yeah and then we can get garlic mayonnaise from the takeaway - But they never give you enough - Shut up) and having the following conversation whilst Rhianna's Dirty Love was playing on the most excellent in supermarket sound system,

"Mum, listen to the lyrics of this song

Mum puts her head to one side and obliges 

Do you think it's about poo?

No. No I don't. And we're in public. Wake up and smell the coffee (??????????????????????)

I think Rhianna is smelling poo"

At that point she couldn't help but laugh. Ha. I win. 

Monday, October 06, 2008

Enfant Terrible

Right. I know everyone hates on Tracey Emin but I really don't. Not at all. Which is why I really enjoyed this. Don't get me wrong, I hate Piers Morgan more than Parmesan and it didn't really tell me anything new at all and it'll prolly be gone tomorrow cos iPlayer is a bit rubbish like that but still, I like her. I like her a lot.

I don't profess to know anything about art. Mainly because I don't. But I do know what I like and I am allowed to have an opinion. I remember having an all out, full on, blow up with a St Martin's graduate who decided that my opinion wasn't worth shit and I know nothing because I didn't go to St Martin's. He will forever be in my book under 'Wanker'. No matter what he may do to try and right the terrible wrong that he probably isn't even aware he has committed.

Basically, if you haven't been subjected to the Emin Assault already I'll give you a brief overview - a bit like Stephen Hawkins history of time if you will. I like her because she is the Anti-Me. The thought of me advertising my personal life (and generally the lowest, most painful times) in such a way makes me want to be violently sick because it leaves one so completely vulnerable. But it seems she isn't afraid of that vulnerability and so I have a lot of respect for her due to that apparent lack of fear. I know that people can be polarised when it comes to her and some may regard her as egocentric and I can equally see where they are coming from. The difference is though, I won't tell them they're wrong to have that opinion.


Thursday, October 02, 2008

Everton Football Team

Sponsored by Chang. Does anyone else find this abso-fucking-lutely hilarious?