Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Je ne sais pas pourquoi

Well, well. Here we are. One week until Christmas
and how much Christmas shopping have I done? 
None. Thats right. I'm looking forward to braving the crowds on Saturday in London. No. I really am.

Anyway, I've not been up to much of late. I attended my old work's Christmas party on Friday. It obviously degenerated in to a 12 hour bender that took me to Walkabout (eww) dancing to Guns n Roses like I was Slash and shouting at people who even dared speak to me whilst I asked (shouted at) the ceiling where exactly where we go now. Somehow I managed to hail a cab (Me and black cabs in London do not have a good history when I'm drunk off my face. Mainly because they refuse to take me anywhere) and direct it back to my friend's house with absolutely no hitches whatsoever. Well done me.

So. Because I can't say any more about Friday night due to legal reasons (no really). I've decided to be a COMPLETE SKANK and do a Pickard of the Pops (see previous post). Why? Because as I lay on the sofa on Saturday watching music television groaning and shouting at my friend, "I feel WRONG. WRONG I tell you" or "I'm weary now (having had the sleep of the drunk obviously. Dehydrated to fuck sleep that is interrupted by either a banging headache or you desperately needing the toilet or both)" I couldn't help but notice that that Leona Lewis is EVERYWHERE. Luckily, I've managed to escape her clutches thus far but when you've settled in for some serious music television watching it is almost impossible to avoid That Video. In fact, I'd go so far as to say you'd have more of chance of not hearing The Fairytale of New York than you would of not hearing That Song. I think we all know where this is going. Yes. I've watched it in its entirety as I shouted, "My eyes! My eyes!". However, it is absolutely fucking hilarious and deserves some second rate attempt at Pickard of the Pops quite frankly. And I am the woman to attempt said second rate hatchet job.

I'll set the scene. Leona is in a house. There are all sorts of angsty types around. Mainly women. Crying. Probably got man trouble. Thats the only reason us women cry isn't it? Anyway, Leona is in the corridor, slightly over dressed if you ask me, singing. We get introduced to the various women in the house, who are crying (did I mention that?). To save time - I think we can all see I can ramble for England - I've decided to concentrate on the most bizarre story in the video. That of this woman:

Look at that pose. She is waiting for someone is she not? Yes. Thats what I thought. Batty tights as well.

There is actually a phone beside her in the shot so she is clearly waiting for the phone to ring/the pizza man to come around

Christ on a bike he is taking his time isn't he? Look at her. Looking at her watch. Is she still waiting do we think? I'd like to point out that this little lady is EXTREMELY impatient. She has actually featured in the whole of the video for about 10 seconds now. 

There she is. Sitting over the phone. Waiting. Now love. Don't you know a watched pot never boils? 

Tired of waiting she decides to have a bath. In her clothes. The big crazy! She doesn't look happy though does she viewer? Hmm. I don't think this bodes well does it?

Uh oh! She is going for the dunk. Here we go. She is going to.....mess her hair up because she is so ANGRY that the person she was waiting for hasn't bothered to call. Now I don't know about all you other ladies out there but I know I am constantly trying to drown myself when someone I'm waiting for to call doesn't bother. In fact I wouldn't have time to do this pointless exercise now because I'd be DROWNING....maybe because I'm a psycho hose beast? Maybe? Hey Love? You're being a bit over the top here aren't you poppet? 

As an aside have you ever wondered what Leona Lewis might look like in the throes of ecstasy? I think we all know Simon Cowell has. The dirty old man. So just in case you were wondering the Director thought he'd do us all a favour. What a nice man. 

Anyway, crashing on. We have a suicide on our hands in one of the other rooms you know. 

Here he is! At last! I think he knows something is wrong though don't you? Look at that expression. Do you think he asked, "Whats my motivation here?" or something else really wanky? Better late than never I guess.....or is it? She has gone for the dunk let me remind you.

Phew! By the power bestowed upon her by submarine navigation systems the world over she somehow managed to hear the knock on the door whilst SUBMERGED in the bath in the bathroom and limbers out like the little nymph she is to answer the door fully clothed and dripping wet. If you ask me this guy must reckon either......

WTF? What sort of psycho hose beast gets in the bath with all her clothes on. Right psycho hose beast. I'm off. Oh. Here are some flowers. 

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