Monday, December 21, 2009

Bon Nuit MereB

It is no secret that I like a good tight. So much so that MonsieurB purchased for me a second pair of House of Holland tights at the weekend. I saw them on Lily Allen the other weekend (or they were the Chanel ones, I wasn't so close that I could decide that) and I kinda fell in love with them. They're the Mock the Stock ones and verge on indecent. Verge being the important word there. As long as they're not ACTUALLY indecent I reckon I'm alright.

And then I found some pretty Yes Natalie tights. When it comes to Christmas' and birthdays I'm constantly being asked what I want. I find the concept a little disconcerting as I feel a bit of a pillock telling people what to get me but I do know that I'm extremely fussy in a completely stupid present way so maybe people just want direction. Which means these bad boys are going on the List to Buy MademoiselleB....along with the teacup lingerie.

Things I have listened to of late which have been released in 2009:

Julian Casablancas - Not as good as the Strokes but still better than most of the dirge people attempt to pass off as music these days

Fever Ray - Is it wrong that I can't really tell the difference between this and The Knife? And I like The Knife. Although The Knife are a bit more upbeat

Animal Collective - Both the album and the EP please me. The album more so.

The xx - You know that Kylie song, 'Can't get you out of my head'? I think she went in to the future, heard 'Heart Skipped a Beat' and 'Shelter' by the xx and then came back in time and wrote that song. I really do.

Regina Spektor - I heart this album almost as much as I heart her. Serious.

And stuff that I have to listen to:

Black Lips
Grizzly Bear
Jamie T
Yo La Tengo
Fuck Buttons

and.............The Horrors. Now don't get me wrong. I hate The Horrors probably as much as you do. In fact, I saw them support Squarepusher, who was in turn supporting The Raconteurs, at the Electric Ballroom, but enough of my bragging and let me get to the point. Oh you do want to hear more. Yeah. It was preeeeeeetty freaking good. It was just as Hello Everything came out so you know, there was a lot of intense slap bass action with my jaw on the floor. Anyway, I think that's enough. Basically, The Horrors sucked. Total toilet. Complete trousers. And I wondered why they'd left Southend. But then Primary Colours came out and everyone has been losing their mind over it. Including some people whose music opinion I take on board. So I figure give it a go and then if I still hate them at least when people rave at me I can be wholehearted in my vitriol. Because I'd hate to do a half arsed job of spitting apoplectic feathers.

And finally, I'm not sure if you'd noticed but I updated my blog THREE times on Friday. Yeah. It was a snow day. And today is another stupid day where the weather sees fit to add EVEN more time on to my already hideous journey. But I'd like us all to spare a moment for MammyB. She does very worthy things at the Royal London and she is stuck and afraid she won't be able to get in tomorrow and do more worthy things so she's gonna sleep in a visitor's room so she won't miss her shift tomorrow. I know what you're thinking. Yes. MammyB is a MUCH nicer person than her daughter.

Friday, December 18, 2009

ou est le cinema?

So I saw the poster for this and was all like, "Oh Michael Cera, I would have totally done you in Juno, probably Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist and possibly even Year One if you told me you were actually in that film for a dare but another offbeat rom-com? This is TOO MUCH." And then I watched the trailer. And laughed. And thought perhaps this isn't too bad, cos you have extremely silly facial hair. And I enjoy getting behind silly facial hair.

Ma Tasse est arrivée!

Look at that - you talk about cups and one arrives on your doorstep that very afternoon. Exciting times I hear you cry - you love teacups and you love Tara McPherson. I know, I know, you are all so right. I do love both of those things. AND my limited edition teacup is number 1 / 250 which excites me no end. Because it is a number, printed on a teacup, that will probably never see the light of day because it is so precious. But I know I have it. And now you guys know I have it. And that's all that counts. Next update - me in those smalls I just blogged about. Control yourselves. My body is a frickin temple.

My Obsession

Some of the Things I very much enjoy:

Frivolous underwear

So, remember many moons ago I blogged about that underwear covered in cakes? Well I cracked and purchased it and it has brought me nothing but joy ever since. AND NOW I find that the same company are doing the above. The same type of underwear but with a teacup print. Now I ask you, was there ever a set of underwear made for a person? I might be cheeky and wait til the January sales though. And then be sadface to find it doesn't go in to the sale because it is just so FREAKING BRILLIANT.

Monday, December 07, 2009

Seize Ans

It is a momentous occasion. We are coming to the end of the noughties and I am nearly 27. So it is therefore with a heavy heart that I think it only right to write an open letter to my 16 year old self who will, obviously, never read it. Unless I'm actually Bladder McFly. And I don't know it yet. Which is possible. My Dad does look a bit like the Doc if he lets his hair grow out. Okay, so this renders the exercise slightly less pointless cos it is likely that I am actually a time traveller. Failing that I have been told on too many occasions that I look like Billie Piper (the higher profile the more I get it. Damn you Billie Piper for marrying Chris Evans and making me look like a pauper. And then donning a wig for that slut programme that looks a bit like my hair and then making me look like a prude. Damn you to Hell) so let's just go with I'm Rose out of Dr Who if I'm not the other one. With the Doc. And the car.

Okay. Let's start or I'll just end up writing very long paragraphs about time travel.

Dear MademoiselleB,

I think 16 was a hard year for you. Let's take it in stages shall we? You're a simpleton and it's probably best we don't confuse you.

1 - You're working up to doing your GCSEs. You think they are the most important exams of your life. They're not. But because the teachers are lying bastards you work your arse off under that misapprehension. I'll be honest - you either peak too soon or you realise that exams are massively underwhelming and quite, quite boring. The upshot of this is that you ace your exams and your parents say, "Well done". You're reeling. Actually reeling. You thought that life was like Clueless and that they'd buy you a car even though it's a whole year til you can even begin to take lessons. They don't. This starts you on an embittered road that you're still on when you're 26.

It also means that you never actually study to the best of your ability for an exam until your last year of university where you surprise yourself at what you can do if you concentrate.

2 - You're hanging out with a crowd that are called freaks. To be fair you probably do look a bit freakish. You're wearing jeans that could clothe an African nation. On the upside you don't listen to So Solid Crew and have quite good taste in music for a 16 year old, although in hindsight telling people that Limp Bizkit's interpretation of Faith is "wicked" is probably a mistake.

Which leads me to Reading Festival. Two of the mentalists that you hang around with go after your GCSE results come out. Your parents won't let you cos they're bastards and have the audacity to worry about you doing drugs, drinking alcohol and doing bad things with boys. Don't worry. You ultimately win because you get a tattoo a few months later. That's right, a permanent mark that means you are the victor and that they may have won the Reading battle but you won the angst teen war. As an aside, your sister will thank you for pushing the boundaries because she'll know exactly what she is and isn't allowed to do further down the line without fear of being thrown out. Oh yeah, your mum will threaten to cut up all your (massively baggy) clothes and throw you out. Your Dad will intervene because he's a loose canon and you're never sure if he is going to laugh at your antics or kill you. In the face.

You think you're a renegade. You're a fool. And you're doing what most 16 year olds before you did.

3 - And then you start going to the pub. The heady days of drinking vodka and coke too young will never leave you. The only thing of note here is when you did unsavoury things with a boy older than you who you told you were 18 and he then saw you and your friends "up town" in your uniform a few days later. His horrified face will always bring a little smile to your face. The rest is what I pronounce Textbook Teen. Get really drunk, do bad things, think you're cool when actually you're not.

4 - One of the mentalists gets a Proper Boyfriend who brings her to the cinema before he tries to have sex with her as opposed to just straight off tries to have sex with her. He has a badge maker (keep with me here, I know I have a tendency to wander from the point but this is actually important). She get's a badge saying she is his "top bitch" and the rest of us get badges just saying we are his "bitch". The most horrifying thing about this is that we all wear them. I can only assume that this is because we thought we were subverting a gender stereotype or some other such twaddle. The worst thing about it though is this: He's fucking pig ugly.

And then you turn 17. And nothing changes. Apart from you get a boyfriend who is better looking than all the mentalist's boyfriends. And you're extremely smug about this state of affairs.

Gros Bisous Cherie X

Sunday, December 06, 2009

Saturday, December 05, 2009

This is why you shouldn't drink wine

"I'm in Hendon, can you pick me up? I've made friends on the train. I say that in the loosest term cos one of them is actually a massive c**t"

"WHERE AM I? Oh I'm in St Albans"

"I'm having Taytos. Cos that's how I roll"

Voicemail left:
Yeah, yeah, mmm, yeah, mmm.

The following text was also composed:
Do ther
Fitstt clAdding kebab X

My sister: Do you want a kebab by any chance?
Me: No. I've eaten today. I don't want a kebab. But if you want one we can stop
My sister: I don't want one.
Me: Oh. Oh dear.

Thursday, December 03, 2009

This is why you're fat . com ?

I've resigned myself to putting on half a stone in one evening.

-- Posted from my iPhone

Location:London Rd,St Albans,United Kingdom

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Beaucoup choses

Okay, okay so a few things have been happening in bladderland of late so it's only fair I give you an update.

This weekend I mostly watched Twilight. For the first time. And then I watched it again. On the same day. But sped through the bits where Robert Pattinson isn't being all brooding and shit. The upshot of this? Robert Pattinson would get it so hard he wouldn't be able to work for a week. And sometimes whilst I was watching it I thought, "Is this really Cedric Diggory?" FYI My favourite part is where they go and play baseball.

I have also gone a bit crazy on a spending spree. I now own this

I mean it hasn't arrived yet but it's a done deal. And weirdly also makes me want to get another tattoo even more. It's also with a heavy heart that I have been buying the shit out of Borders on my lunch hour.

I also saw the Yeah Yeah Yeahs on Monday. Karen O pisses all over Florence from a great height which is a bit sadface but also makes me realise that however pure someone's voice is if they haven't got the spark live it's just not the same. Alas the support left much to be desired. Someone asked me what they were like. It is not a lie when I say that I paused for a second and after considering the best response all I could come up with was, "They sounded like a donkey on crack being cooked in the same saucepan as a lobster."

And I have discovered the joy of cheap business cards which you can write whatever you want on one side and then your details along with a picture on the other. I have been playing with the site for the last hour writing things such as

oh my god i feel like i have been kicked in the face by hitler

and other such ridiculousness on them along with this web address. I'm inclined to order them for the craic. Who wouldn't want a link to this site along with the most stupid quote ever? I know. I can't think of anyone either.