Sunday, September 28, 2008


Basically Bladder Boudoir is a hive of activity. There are emails left, right and centre coming from all sorts wanting some Bladder blarney in their life. In the main though, it's adoration for my truth nuggets and requests for advice. Obviously I have some famous subscribers. I'm not going to tell you who they are. Privacy and all that. But one is Daisy Lowe.

And it's good to see that she pays attention to what I fact fuck it. I'll let you in to a little of my email exchange.

Subject: Nipple Pasties
Date: 24 September 2008 21:52:22 BDT

OMG Miss B you have like just totally made up my mind about whether to do the AP perfume show. I wasn't sure. I thought maybe nipple pasties might go against your principles and you know I never want to upset you but it's all good! You like them too! I mean, Mummy doesn't have a problem with them but lets face it - she lives in the country making cushions out of lace with a caravan in the back garden. She's not London anymore. You wouldn't understand though. You're not from her world.

I do still have a little problem. You are so much fitter than me and you know, look 100x better naked than me so when I'm walking down the runway all I'll be thinking is, "This should be Miss B, this should be Miss B". I just don't know what to do. XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Subject: Re: Nipple Pasties
Date: 24 September 2008 23:22:47 BDT

Daise!!!! Long time no speak. First off, let me congratulate on how far you've come with the old spelling and punctuation. That first email you sent me that I just couldn't read because of the sheer number of grammatical errors is now just a distant memory (well, it isn't. But I have to put it to the back of my mind though otherwise I want to vomit. Everywhere. Take solace in the fact that Wino is too browned up to even consider the importance of a full stop).

Also, so sorry to hear about Mark. How you holding up? Deleted all his contact details in a post break up rage yet? If not, don't suppose you could help a sister out and hook me up with his phone number could you? I heard he is quite the producer and I'm looking to him to produce something so you know, hit me up with that shit. Haha. Only joking. But you know, a little bit serious so well, you get the idea.

Anyway. AP. Wow. So the catfight with Moss paid off then? Can I just remind you I wasn't the one to advocate a mud wrestling match in front of Stuart Rose, the victor then securing the modeling contract. Call me old fashioned. Anyway, what's done is done I guess. So on to your fears. Well you know me. I tell it like it is. And you're right. It should be me up there. But my mum isn't as famous as yours so I'm not quite as high profile. So instead of thinking how fabulous I look naked when you're on the runway think about your mum instead and you'll be fine! Hope that helps. By the way, I find your overuse of x and o as some sort of illustration of affection somewhat irritating. And I'm guessing I'm not the only one. Just some ad hoc, uncalled for advice there. You can have that one for free.

Good luck on Thursday. Remember. It should be me up there. x

Still no reply but I did my best. Sometimes you have to let 19 year olds figure it out for themselves. And try to remember that she is only slightly behind me on the path to her young, nubile breasts eventually ending up on the floor.

Because I've always got my advice hat on so to speak this sometimes spills over in to my real life life too. I've taken one particular girl under my wing. She continually has boyfriend trouble so we all have a bash at counselling her at lunch time. I know what you're thinking. Miss B, who are you to give boyfriend advice when everyone you ever went out with up until about 18 months ago were real shits? I can't argue with that but everyone knows that no one follows their own advice. Also, if you've spoken to me about this, at length, when I'm drunk, you'll know I've implemented a one strike and you're out policy for the important things - like cheating, cussing the threads, asking me how many pairs of shoes I have - stuff like that. So now I'm perfectly able to discuss other people's relationships. However, it appears I have quite a tolerance for her boyfriend's high jinks so my advice isn't always really welcome. The last piece I gave shocked and appalled everyone present. First off. I don't see the problem with her boyfriend daring to go out with his guy pals for a night out and leave her at home. Shocked everyone. They think I'm a disgrace to females everywhere. Then he tried to make it up to her by asking her if it was okay if they had sex when he came in. All the ladies in the room squawked in disgust at this. I didn't squawk and I actually think I offered the most practical solution;

"What did you say? Go have a wank in the shower and when you come out we'll talk about it, that way we're all winners?

WHAT???? NO! My boyfriend doesn't wank. He has me.

Yeah. Course he doesn't love. He had to ask to have sex with you and then you turned him down."

Come on. That or squawking. Which would you prefer? Also, it shut them up squawking so I killed two birds with one stone. So to speak. Well, three birds actually. None of them are talking to me now. Back of the net.

In less shocking news:

This week I have mostly been listening to -

Kings of Leon - Only by the Night ("Understated masterpiece" - BunnyBoy)
Ladyhawke - Ladyhawke ("80s revival goodness mmmmm" - MissB)

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