Sunday, April 03, 2011


So as previously documented I surreptitiously read Front magazine over MonsieurB's shoulder. Every month. Sometimes the duplicitous behaviour takes place on a train. And sometimes I am so low key, so army commando SAS style that other passengers notice. They must all be spies because let me tell you I am so camouflage I am green.

Anyway, I don't think Front is that bad in the grand scheme of lads mags. Firstly, they do put all their girls upon a pedestal and treat them like princesses (well, that's the impression I get, I'd be interested to see what pay packet they get at the end of the day). Something that has been bothering me though is the fact that the girls are marketed as being 'alt'. Now. The girl of this month looks about as alternative as my boss. Who is 50. And balding. And a man. Basically, if you're gonna take your clothes off the only thing to mark you out as alternative is your tattoos and piercings. Now bear in mind I've had to get rid of visible piercings because of my job and my tattoos have to be hidden I'm STILL more alt than this girl who they're all jizzing in their pants over.

So affronted was I (see what I did there?) that I decided to read the accompanying Q&A to see if her alt credentials increased somewhat. I won't make you read the whole interview but basically the answer is no. They did not. So I'm gonna show her sample, genuine alt answers and perhaps Front can sort it out and get girls in with slightly saggier mammary glands but their favourite film isn't "There's no way I can pin one as a favourite but I lvoe that whole Michael Cera/Jonah Hill partnership". I'll be honest, I IMDB'ed it. IT DOESN'T EXIST.

What are you doing right now?
Er, writing this blog (obviously the answer for Front in reality would be a filthy lie)

Day job
If I told you I'd have to kill you

Dream job
Working in Liberty helping rich people spend their money on shit they don't need and convincing them that a piss pot with Manalo Blahnick illustrations on it is an 'investment piece'

Best thing about being a Front Alt Girl
Obviously I'm not one but if I was I'd probably say - The adoration from boys who pay £4 to buy this magazine to see my tits as opposed to going out and actually finding a pair of tits they can manhandle in real life. Oh and I like free stuff! Hi mum!

Turn ons
Everything. My flaps are wobbling just writing this. Although I do quite like gin. And Sailor Jerry

Turn offs
Cheese. I hate it. Oh you mean man wise. Um, men holding axes?

Who do you have a crush on?
There are too many to list but I'd definitely friend Gordon Joseph Levitt. And Travis from Gym Class Heroes. If he promised to never, ever, EVER rap in my presence.

Favourite Film
Have you heard of Werner Herzog? No? Oh he's a bit too leftfield for you eh? Hmm, right. Have you heard of Lars von Trier? Yeah, that's right the one who did that film where she took a pair of rusty scissors to her lady garden. No, that wasn't his first ever film but I reckon that his body of work is probably right up the street of Front readers. He loves women. No really, he does. He really, really does.

Favourite album
As this is Front it's only right to say Tool - Lateralus

Booze drink of choice
Anything that isn't wine. Wine fucks me up so bad I end up falling over in the street and possibly breaking my elbow (true story from Friday night)

First gig
For someone famous I think it was Skunk Anansie but I'm so old that I could be wrong. Obviously before that I went to lots of gigs at The Pioneer Youth Club in order to try and prey upon nubile young boys to offer my perky self too. They loved it.

Last gig
Warpaint. They didn't talk enough and the merch was rubbish. But the actual music was very good.

Perfect night out
My last 2 birthday nights out went pretty well. They were pretty perfect til about 04:00 when it all went a bit darkside but I was right as rain by midday the next day.

High heels or trainers?
I actually don't own a pair of trainers. They offend me. Mash up feet over comfortable every time (I am an idiot)

Who gets what in your Will?
Well, the Government can have their debt back. I leave my art to MonsieurB because the thought of him exploding with rage over being lumbered with 'shit art' that he hates but can't throw away because I'd haunt him forever would bring me no end of pleasure and hilarity. The girldem can lay claim to my vast wardrobe and my death in service work pay out can be put to a week long bender for my actual friends please.

Claim to fame
I have fondled the lead singer of !!! mid gig. Oh and my arse was on MTV and Alex Zane said I was hot (for the record the real alt girl said she was an extra in Harry Potter. I piss all over that answer)

Sexy/Mind blowing fact about you
I can fit a pint glass in my mouth

I secretly have a passion for
ping pong balls

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