Monday, October 20, 2008


So in an effort to stem the amount of crap falling out of my bedroom door I have decided to sell things on Ebay. When it comes to Ebay I have a sort of compulsion to lie. In fact, I have to. If I told the truth about why I was selling things no one else would ever buy my stuff. In fact, I make up quite elaborate, hilarious lies because I get a bit carried away. I sort of look at it like a blog...a short lived one, that gets a lot of views in a week.

Anyway. I have this dress right. It's from All Saints. If I was to tell the truth my listing would go something like this:

Bought this in a sale frenzy. Looks good from the back, awful from the front. If you can stomach walking around back first this is definitely the dress for you. Also, is a terrible biscuit colour. Makes you look a bit like you've got rickets. Or scurvey. Maybe AIDs.

What I will probably write (no, really):

Bought this as a maternity dress but my bump was too big! [The exclamation mark is important here. It makes you an approachable seller. Gwan, ask me a question, I'll reduce postage and everything. Also this dress could accommodate triplets.]

I also have this skirt which come out loads at the hips. I mean, loads. The truth would be:

Bought this skirt because I was bored at work. Makes your hips and arse look massive. Well, makes my hips and arse looks massive. Which is quite impressive as my hips are quite small in comparison to the rest of my body. And I do have quite a small arse.

Obviously I'll write something completely ridiculous about Kate Moss probably wearing it and the (old) bird out of The Tings Tings coveting it and how it makes you like an hour glass.

However, possibly the worst thing I have ever done when selling on Ebay is the following:

I have a habit of going to charity shops because I am obsessed with old Granny's jewellery, bags and general accessories. Whilst scouring one day I stumbled across a pair of Rossignol women's ski boots. In a former life I used to ski. A lot. I skied a lot. A. Lot. So I knew they were worth about £300 new and they'd clearly been used for about a week. They were a fiver. You can guess what I did. In fact. Let's give you some options....Did I

i Tell the nice old lady in the Cancer shop (NOT a shop where you go to buy Cancer) that they'd vastly underpriced them and that they could bung at least another thirty quid on top
ii Buy them and then put them on Ebay saying that I was too pregnant to ski and will probably not ski again for years (are you sensing a theme here? The irony being my friend was 8 months gone and saying to me, "I just want it out", every time I saw her) and had them go for £160.

Yes. I am going to Hell. After a slow painful death. From Cancer.

This week Miss B was all cultured out and will probably not go to a museum/gallery/play until the year 2012. She also received her Mighty Boosh tickets.

No comments: