Wednesday, February 17, 2010


It seems everyone around me is having a crisis of some sort be it to do with the march of time and ever increasing age or the realisation that perhaps the workadayworld is not for them after all and they wish to take destiny in to their own hands and give this making cash not for the man thing a bash.

Whilst I would like to be standing on the sidelines crisis firefighting for my friends it is becoming increasingly apparent that I have entered in to a crisis also. Never say I'm not one to jump on a bandwagon. Not long from now I'm going to be starting something which I have worked towards since about the age of 16. Ten years in the making and a few years of questioning whether I would really ever attain my goal. Whilst I appreciated that the lead up to my interview would be fraught and that I'd probably be a total mentalist I don't think, in fact I didn't, anticipate the fall out. My brain thought of the two possible scenarios thusly:

1: You don't get it
You're a bit down, you go on a bender for a weekend but overall this is not a surprise as there were a lot of strong candidates and you're a first time imposter in a land of second or third time luckys

2: You get it
You enter the land of love and fluffy bunny rabbits.

I can confirm that the outcome I envisaged for scenario 2 was far from accurate. Initially I was screaming and swearing my incredulity at my boss whilst he communicated my success. And then I was strangely deflated and have been so ever since. Perhaps it's the lack of fanfare because people "knew you'd always do it" but I think it's also to do with the close of a chapter. I mentioned to someone in jest that the 8th March will be the first day of the rest of my life but when I think about it it's true. And so on a sub-conscious level it is becoming obvious that I'm mentally closing the unfinished business that has come before and attempting to reconcile all that is outstanding. This is taking various forms such as long conversations late in to the night with good friends, unexplained tears, emails to uni friends attempting to reconnect and conversations with work colleagues about all that I dislike about work which I have ignored knowing that once I open the Pandora's box of discontent there is no going back.

I think the speed at which everything has happened has also served to freak me out. A work colleague casually commented to me yesterday how normally one has to wait a year between finding out they've secured the contract and actually starting it. In less than two months I'll be entering the unknown.

And so it is only today that I pieced together the puzzle of my unconscious mind. Whilst it is not revelatory it is heartening to know that I'm not a possible contender for the Priory and that my mental preparation for a fresh start is to be embraced. But perhaps I should examine the way such preparation is manifesting itself....for the sake of MonsieurB and my good friends.

On the upside - I have tickets to Alice in Wonderland at the IMAX for the day after my birthday. Perhaps things aren't so bad after all.

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