Monday, August 02, 2010

Est ce-que je peux voir l'argent svp?

So you're probably wondering where all the XX and wedding photos are right? Right? Well life got in the way and I'm still waiting to upload them. I apologise profusely.

Life in particular has a habit of ensuring my Roman Epic-like commute sometimes enters the realms of ridiulousness. I'm not sure if you noticed but last week that happened. I don't want to do this in to TFL updates with MademoiselleB because if you wanted those I imagine you'd go and hang around a tube station but that's what you're going to get today I'm afraid. If you're not up for it then please may I suggest alighting at the next stop where by you can access various other modes of transport off of this blog. Thank you.

Lately the Victoria line has been so bad that I often wonder if would be quicker to take the Orient Express through London to get from North to South. I like the fact that TFL acknowledge this by putting up posters saying they're sorry. It's nice to have an apology. Kinda pointless when nothing gets done to remedy what they were apologising about in the first place though.

Last Thursday, after the slowest trip through London known to man, I arrived at Vauxhall looking forward to catching a Southwest train that without fail, WITHOUT FAIL, arrives 1 minute ahead of schedule and then leaves the station 30 seconds ahead of schedule. So the 07:46 leaves at 07:45. I'm not proud and I'm not a liar. I'm happy to admit that the first few times I got that train I thought the guard was fucking with me.

However, on that fateful morning the train gods really were taking the total piss out of my life. I sat at Vauxhall station for 90 minutes. Trains went to Waterloo (admittedly heinously tardy) but didn't seem to come back to Vauxhall. Where were all the trains going? To the train depot in the sky? Oh look, the 08:16 to Shepperton is delayed. That's a relief. The preceding 4 trains to Shepperton have been cancelled. Hmm. Shame it doesn't say when it's been delayed until because....oh. Oh no. Oh dear. Oh golly gosh well now I really am very cross. It's been cancelled. That makes 5 trains. No matter. I'll get a train to a nearby station and get the...oh. That one's been cancelled too. For the 6th time.

I'd like to pretend that I remained calm about this but I'm not a liar. Nor am I a very calm person by nature. So I went bat shit crazy. I noticed that some trains were coming from the magic Waterloo. So in I marched to the waiting room, stood in the middle and commenced a soliloquy that would not have been out of place in Othello. If Southwest trains was Iago. And my destination was my Desdemona.

Everyone! I have noticed something! The trains are being delayed right?

I paused for a response. I was eyed with suspicion. Fair enough. I had a suitcase and I was dressed like I'd just had tea with the Queen. Undeterred, I ploughed on

Then they're cancelled? Yes? (No pause here - I learned my lesson) THEN (here comes the genius) a train goes through the station with people on it but it doesn't stop here. The guards are practically useless

Here, a lady interrupted and said, No. You're wrong. They *are* useless. I thought I'd welcome some interaction but turns out I'm actually like Obama. Or Cameron. My pauses are rhetorical. Shut up lady. It's my time to shine.

I continued, I think that they're sending the trains out of Waterloo but they're sending them to the really busy stations and out in to the suburbs as quickly as possible and missing out stations close to London as we can get the tube.

Recognition dawned on people's faces whilst they realised that perhaps the mad Queen tea lady was speaking some sense.

Look! Here comes a train to Waterloo. It's coming right now! Who's coming with me?

With that an army (a couple) of people got up and joined me in a mini riot of jostling on to a train. I won't lie. If I started off in Othello I ended up in Jerry Maguire. My suitcase was my goldfish (FAR too heavy to hold above my head mind) and the crazy people that actually followed me were my Renées. Without that child with the glasses and a lisp.

When I finally got to Waterloo (vindicated) I had a nice sit down on a train. After 20 minutes of waiting. I was so angry I'm pretty shocked I didn't have a heart attack. It's good to know I can start a riot when I want to though.

In other news: I like The Like. A lot.

I also acquired The Suburbs today. I think it's a grower. But a good'un.

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