This actually happened today:
So we get an email saying our case management system will be down between 13:00 and 14:00. The logical thing to do is take our lunch then. So a couple of us agree as it's a Wednesday we should go to the pub to lessen the monotony of the working day. And have a bitch (I am compelled to point out of three I was the only one with a lady garden).
However, there has to be some super stealth mission as basically you can't invite the whole team. Because the whole team are fucking boring. So everything gets arranged by email and people leave separately and 10 mins apart so we don't all rise up together and face inevitable, awkward questions.
Get to the pub and my ca padre and I are at the bar. The last of our number shuffles in having been to the bank to withdraw money only to find he needs photo ID which he does not have. We order our food and go upstairs with our alcohol.
We're golden. We're in the pub. Safe haven. Until our boss comes upstairs to go to the toilet. We're the only ones upstairs. We're rumbled. He comments on the massive lunches we're having (we had sandwiches. Fuck knows what he eats for lunch). He often comments on other people's eating habits. Whilst stuffing his face with chocolate. And saying it's okay as he cycles to and from work every day (he is lithe. Annoyingly). My response is, "It's okay, we're all cycling home!"
Once the hilarity had died down we continued. Our boss is okay. He wouldn't have wanted to sit with us anyway. Then another round is got in. The schmuck who is nominated to go downstairs and order comes up white faced. We've been rumbled. Again. By someone in our team. Who left BEFORE us to go and have lunch with SOMEONE else. Luckily, he is "so thin that I could hide behind the pillar".
Turns out the whole fucking team is in the pub - just separately - because obviously we hate each other.
THEN we get back to the office and the girl who we left out is in a strop because we left her out. Even though we left AFTER her and she DIDN'T invite us.
We should have just stuck to the plan once we found out we'd been rumbled. One of us jumped out the window, the other zip line back to the office and the final individual stroll back in like nothing had happened.